GIANNI INFANTINO IS 56. I’VE SEEN CRACKHEADS AGE BETTER

There is absolutely no reason I should know the name of the president of FIFA this well.

None. Zero. Zilch.

Yet somehow over the last year, Gianni Infantino has been all over my news feed for the better part of a year. I see this motherfucker more than some members of my own family.

I was first properly introduced to him when he started doing everything short of performing fellatio on Donald Trump in the Oval Office last year when Trump desperately wanted the Nobel Peace Prize and was so butt-hurt when he lost to Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado in October.

Then, less than a month later, on November 5, FIFA suddenly announced something that had never existed before: The FIFA Peace Prize, and would you believe it? The very first recipient was Donald J. Trump.

Total shocker and so fucking lame.

Infantino personally handed Trump the inaugural award at the World Cup draw on December 5, and I figured that had to be the end of my Gianni Infantino experience.

I was wrong. Very fucking wrong.

Then came the World Cup.

American striker Folarin Balogun got a straight red card against Bosnia and Herzegovina, which normally meant an automatic one-game suspension. Trump publicly complained about it and acknowledged that he called Infantino and asked FIFA to review it.

Suddenly FIFA stepped in, allowing him to play against Belgium, all while Infantino insisted FIFA’s disciplinary bodies were independent.

So let me get this straight: the President of the United States calls the president of FIFA about a red card, and shortly afterward the suspension disappears.

Yep. Completely independent.

Anyway, Balogun played against Belgium and Belgium beat us 4-1.

So ultimately we may have compromised the appearance of international sporting integrity just to get spanked more than a shmeckle when a boy finally hits puberty.

Ok, so the World Cup is over for the United States, and surely Gianni Infantino disappears out of my news feed.

Nope.

Spain wins the World Cup, everyone wants to watch the players lift the trophy, and who does Infantino bring onto the field?

Donald fucking Trump and just like Trump did at the 2025 Club World Cup trophy ceremony, he stayed right there in the middle of the celebration while Infantino apparently discovered something the rest of America figured out about ten years ago:

Once Donald Trump finds a camera, good fucking luck getting him away from it.

Spain is trying to celebrate winning the biggest sporting event on Earth and Trump is standing there like he needs his diaper changed.

He already did this when Chelsea won the Club World Cup, and then we basically got the sequel at the World Cup final.

Guess what? Apparently even that wasn’t enough Gianni Infantino for one summer on my news feed, because after the World Cup, news broke that FIFA wanted to create something called FIFA Forward Enterprise — a new company that would basically control FIFA’s massive commercial empire: broadcast rights, sponsorships, licensing, ticketing, hospitality and tournament operations.

Because apparently just running international soccer wasn’t enough. Now we’re doing fucking mergers and acquisitions too.

The proposal called for selling roughly 20 percent of it to private investors for as much as $4.2 billion, based on a valuation of about $20 billion.

And who was among the potential lead investors?

Joshua Kushner’s investment firm.

Yes.

That Kushner family.

Joshua is Jared Kushner’s brother, meaning somehow we have once again wandered back into Trump’s circle.

Now, this wasn't FIFA being for sale.

The proposal was to sell a minority piece of this new commercial subsidiary, but the backlash was enormous. UEFA basically responded, “What the fuck are you doing?” European federations threatened a boycott, other confederations pushed back, and the plan eventually collapsed. UEFA has even threatened legal action, and Norway’s federation has called for Infantino to resign.

All of this has happened while I continue asking the most important question:

HOW THE FUCK IS GIANNI INFANTINO ONLY 56 YEARS OLD?

Seriously.

I assumed this man was pushing 70 for the better part of 18 months.

Nope.

Gianni Infantino was born March 23, 1970, making him 56.

This motherfucker is only 56 years old.

I’ve seen crackheads age better than this guy.