GANZFELD RESULTS: INCONCLUSIVE, SO… EDIBLES IT IS

So last week I announced that I’d discovered the Ganzfeld experiment and immediately abandoned adulthood so I could hallucinate on a budget. I had to give it a try.

For best results, I was told to slice a ping-pong ball in half and put the halves over my eyes.

This is when I learned ping pong balls are apparently engineered to survive knives.

Once I had two sad little half-domes, while somehow keeping all 10 fingers intact, I colored the insides red with a Walmart generic-brand red Sharpie, went to the bedroom, and lay there for 15 minutes with static playing on my phone next to me.

And the whole time I’m trying to relax, I’m also praying my cat Walter doesn’t show up and do his favorite hobby: attempting to teabag me while I’m lying down.

The results? Inconclusive, in my opinion.

I did see some stuff, a few flashing shapes, occasional vague patterns, like something trying to form way off in the distance. It was odd, but not odd enough.

Maybe I didn’t do it long enough. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe my ADD won’t let my brain turn off long enough for this to work.

Also, to be fair, Magic Eye posters never worked for me either.

So fuck it, moving forward, I will stick to edibles.