DO PEOPLE KNOW THEY SMELL LIKE THEY GOT TEABAGGED BY A SKUNK ALL NIGHT?

I understand that people love animals. I live amongst three cats myself, but loving your pet does not mean you need to smell like them, because daily, I encounter people who must put their clothes in the litter box for the cats to piss on. Do these people seriously not realize they smell like an ammonia spill in aisle 6 that’s been cleaned up with Tidy Cat? I’ve heard the saying a rat can’t smell its own hole, but come on.

And yes, before anyone gets defensive, I understand economic times are rough. I get that, but the truth hurts sometimes, and when you smell horrible out in public, it makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

The same applies to the recent increase in body odor I’ve noticed. I understand that some health conditions can make people more prone to sweating or odor issues, but I also know that there are measures that can be taken.

It’s bad when I smell someone in public and think to myself that no way know your room does not smell like a combination of jizz, Cool Ranch Doritos, and jock itch spray. These are the type of people that need to be contained in a Bio Dome sphere until they can figure it out.

While we’re talking about smell, can we address smokers for a second? Especially guys in their late 20s to mid-30s who think two sprays too many of cologne is going to mask the Marlboro you burned in your pickup truck on the way here. Those four sprays of Curve aren’t hiding shit, it’s just mixing. I swear male smokers of that age bracket love Curve more than white people who BBQ in their oven love Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce.

And now, with the legalization of marijuana starting to sprout up in many states in America, the smell of smoking has taken on a whole new identity. I have nothing wrong with weed, even though I’m more of an edibles guy myself, but some of you out here smell like you got teabagged by a skunk all night and then put yourself in an oven with a Red Baron frozen pizza before heading out to get your log of Skoal.

Since Trump will sign executive orders for basically anything, like directing federal agencies to call the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America,” and even issuing an order that purports to designate “Antifa” as a domestic terrorist organization. So forgive me for wondering why he can’t bang out one more: “It shall be unlawful to smell like a combination of ammonia and Tidy Cats or like you got teabagged by a skunk in public.” Then again, many report that he has issues with his Depends that give off an unpleasant odor at times.

I’m not asking you to smell like an upscale Atlanta stripper before her shift. I’m asking for awareness and to be mindful of the people around you. Wash the hoodie that supports your local Haunted House. Use deodorant and take it easy on the Curve.

Keep the stink at home.

That’s all I ask for.