4TH OF JULY PARADE RANT: TOOTSIE ROLLS SUCK, AND HOW IS EVERY DANCE STUDIO A NATIONAL CHAMPION?

Another 4th of July has come and gone, and again I went to a local parade, and it was the same shit but a different year.

First comes every person running for city council, some that are probably qualified, but most I’d say are the least qualified person in the town to run for office, and I swear every year there is an obese guy in the back of a truck with a sign that plays on the fact that he’s big as fuck.

Then you've got the local plumbing company, roofing company, HVAC company, and three insurance agencies driving trucks at five miles an hour while somebody in the passenger seat lazily tosses out the cheapest candy known to mankind.

Fucking Tootsie Rolls.

Can we splurge for one year? Hell, I'd settle for a roll of Smarties at this point or a Blow Pop.

Then comes the marching band, which is honestly one of the better parts of the parade, which is usually followed by my next pet peeve, the local dance studios with girls in more makeup than Donald Trump’s hand.

And every single banner says the same thing...National Champions.

How is every dance studio within a 20-mile radius a national champion?

I know we live in a participation trophy society, but at some point we've got to stop handing out national championships like escort cards on the Las Vegas Strip.

Ok. End of rant.