AN OPEN LETTER TO ASTRONOMER CEO ANDY BRYON

Dear Andy,

I saw that video floating around of you and your side piece—both of you red-faced—getting caught snuggled up at a Coldplay concert like two virgins under the bleachers at a high school football game. I have one question: how has a man like you made it this far in life and become as successful as you have without learning one of life’s basic rules? If you act like you’re supposed to be there, nobody will question you.

Instead of owning the moment, you two looked like I did when my bedroom door flew open mid-session—my mom making her laundry rounds while I was busy chopping wood to my cool uncle’s old Playboy stash I found in my grandparents’ garage. These were vintage issues, so vintage the women had bushes big enough to make it look like Dr. J was creeping out the top of their panties.

For future reference: act natural. Act cool. Act like nothing’s wrong. And if anyone asks questions later, just channel the wisdom of the 2000 Shaggy classic: It wasn’t me.

Sincerely, The Milkman’s Baby